Consumed

I feel alone today. I value my independence and solitary lifestyle more than I should.

So normally being alone does not affect me in a way that makes me sad.
Today I was overcome with the kind of sad that makes you ache in the back of your throat as if you are holding back a sob.

I hate that feeling. There is really nothing to make it better except to allow time to pass and let the feeling fade away.

But for a few moments today I couldn't breathe because of this feeling. It came on sudden and strong. Thankfully it also receded quickly. It was an ocean wave of grief for my missing love.

I want to be able to give the love I have to someone in this life. A partner. I want to receive love in return. I am lucky enough to have had something like this in my life once already. So I know what it is I am missing.

Not perfect love. There is no such thing.

Just love that is genuine and unencumbered by selfish desire. Love because they feel it as much as they want to give it.

I want to feel warm again.

Alas, poison cannot be loved, only consumed.