weepingwillow

Her note.

More often than not I wake up and my first thought is a desire to die. Suicidal ideation has been my constant companion these 34 of 41 years. The moment I knew of death, I wanted it. I never thought I would make it past any benchmark age. My mind always told me I would be gone by then. Can you imagine waiting to die your whole life? Can you imagine telling anyone about it? Even as I sit here now I can see that there were times I should have gone. I should have been brave. I would have been better off. People would have been better off. I would have been loved more in memory then.

Now I am destined to be pitied as a 40 something unattractive, untalented loss to no one, save a brave few who loved me always... regardless. The love I never deserved. The love I will carry with me to my selfish end. I'm so thankful for it.

I know my brain is ill. I know there are different choices that can be made, different paths to be taken. I'm tired. I want to sleep. I want to go to sleep in peace. Not wake up again to a desire I won't allow myself to fulfill, till I go to sleep with the promise of a new day of pain.

Even with all the other beauty and promise this brain holds, and I acknowledge there is so much. I can find it, I can see, taste, hear, smell, and feel it. I can never hold it though. It is fleeting. I can be strong and brave and smart and talented and able to give so much love till it takes me away to where I can no longer fall into this lightless void of pain.

I tell myself this.
However... My reality is

I can only watch what might have been. What promise I have had. What brave ideas and opinions I might have shared.

That is the torture that I can no longer hold.

I can let go of what might have been now because it's all too late.

Scientifically speaking I know I am on my way out anyway.

I won't be a bourdon anymore than I already have. Age makes me weak.

Some tomorrow there are those who will wake up with shoulders that are lighter. Thank you so much for all your love. You feel lighter because you know I am no longer in any pain.

I'm am sorry for the sadness though. I hope it fades quickly. That is my greatest hope.

It's ok to feel better.

It's ok.

Today I woke up with my note. Yesterday with my purpose, and some tomorrow not so far away I will have my rest.

I can only be whole in my dreams. I can make love, paint my masterpiece, give all I have ever wanted to give, and be the whole person I know is within me.

Only in my dreams.

So soon I will take my leave and go to sleep. Sleep to dream, maybe there I will be allowed to live as I envisioned my life to be. Nothing grand just a choice made and followed. Seems simple, but it's impossible for me.

Even if I am dust. That is all I will be. I'm thankful for that.

For now, I will try to live within the walls that are me. Time to clean